Sunday, March 27, 2011

More about process?

It occurs to me that I have been obsessing about my creative process for far too long. It wasn't always this way....there was a time, before marriage, before baby, before day job, second marriage, middle age ...when my creative life was just everything! Looking back on it, I was in such a different struggle than I am now. I guess when we are young we tend to take certain things for granted-especially time! Now time-finding it, managing it-is perhaps the greatest challenge.
But here I go, daydreaming about having more time...regretting the days gone by (when I was actually, for the most part, miserable) instead of just taking the time to make, do, be...
I think another part of this dilemma is that I want want want long days stretching into nights where my time is devoted to these various processes....instead of squeezed into an hour here, part of a morning there. The monster demands to be fed.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The rescue mode Negates neutrality Resulting in an ode To fatality.

When I look inside my heart
And see a clear path
 I think who is this?
And scurry into the brambles.

When I let my mind breathe it finds its own peace
Its own pieces of what is now
Instead of what was, what could be
And I release that that that
That which never was
That which can never be.
The rain comes and who can blame the rain.
Fall falls
Spring springs
Life lives
Whether we participate or not.

I can go alone to my execution
(As I have so many times)
Only to be resurrected once again
Only to be revived by the sweet taste of lips
Only to be stirred by the warm beam on my brow
Only to plunge once again headlong
Back to the abyss
The familiar the addiction
Of my neediness

Our similarity is paralyzing in its completeness
Each mirroring
The others wrongs and rights
A spiral of discontent

Can we still touch each other in the mirror
Can we see beyond the shadows?
Or is it just another reflecting pool inside
The inside thee inside

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Lesson of the week: Turning "play" into an obligation kills the fun.

What have I learned this week about "playing"? A big thing I have learned. I have learned that when you turn everything in life into an obligation, you take the fun out of everything. ! Yes, duh. So, if let's say I want to go out with a friend and I say, ok yeah let's do that this weekend, it will be fun and I put it down as a thing I am doing. But then, the night comes and whoops, I have a terrible headache. (yes, I get bad migraines, let's not even go there.) So now, ugh, do I really want to go? Not really, but I don't want to disappoint my friend, and not only that, I don't want to disappoint my own inner "I'm supposed to do something fun tonight dammit!" feeling. (OR is that a feeling? Maybe a judgement.) So now, I am going out cause I feel like I'm supposed to, thus destroying the fun of the initial plan, which I can't really experience anyway because I am feeling crappy! Any idiot could figure this out., but somehow it has eluded me.
In fact, posting a challenge on my blog about "playing" and creating new meaning in my life has lead to the same sort of feeling of, oh now I am not being successful enough at "showing" that I am doing this! Argh! Horrendous! So much self-referential angst! But this is an important breakthrough for me, cause I realize that I have been turning  everything into an obligation born of responsibility, whether it be family things, or work things, or creative things. Even the daily walk I was enjoying started to become ho hum, drab, a duty. Killed it. (Well this winter didn't exactly help...)
How does one keep the play in play? stayed tuned.

a week goes by...this is what I started to post...

And what has happened? Been busy of course! OH BROTHER! That wasn't part of the deal...the challenge, whatever.  Ok I picked a bad week for my "playing life" challenge. I did manage to have some happy moments. I started a book, and had a reading night at my hubby's behest. Awesome quiettime funness. I managed to drive my dear friend Michelle to Milwaukee to pick up her kitty, much meowing ensued on the trip back. Had a meeting with Jaroslaw about our possible new show.. which was stimulating....what else?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? does it sound like I'm drowning?

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Macky Messer

Nina Simone - Pirate Jenny

Teresa Stratas - Mahagonny - Alabama Song

Tom Waits- What Keeps Mankind Alive

In honor of Kurt Weill's birthday (one day late)

Anybody who knows me knows I am crazy for Kurt Weill, and have been performing his music off and on for many years. So in honor his birthday (a date late), here are some links to a few interesting and/or gorgeous versions of some Kurt Weill tunes. Maybe I'll get some old video of my own Kurt Weill stuff up here one of these days...Which brings to mind an entirely different issue. I will be performing some of my original collaborations with Jaroslaw Golembiowski sometime in the near future, and we'll probably throw some Kurt Weill in there for good measure as well. Details to follow.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Day two and already working too much for the challenge.

Well that's a fine kettle of fish..."play my existence" my ass. Oh well I am TRYING!!!! This morning was a load of prep for students, driving, teaching and stopping by the store. Now its' off to The Rock Academy for more teaching. AGH! But I'm not going to take this lying down. I am going to get some fun frolic time in if it kills me, dammit.
In the spirit of the concept I am posting this funky sketch from my sketchbook. NO it's not from today. So what? You gonna make something of it? It nevertheless speaks to this stay tuned. Smiley face.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Playing my Existence

Whereby I have discovered that I have an internal imperative that needs to be eradicated, i.e. to "justify" my existence by "earning" it, so to speak,  I have decided to give myself a challenge for the month of March and as a harbinger and a bringer of the Spring. Every day this month I most do something-SOMETHING by GOD, to play my existence. Who knows what this will yield? Perhaps a month full of brownies speckled with gummi bears...? Or maybe a mouthful of songs that cry to be buried alive? Stay tuned. I will try to post some or all of something. (Except the brownies...those I shall eat.)